WGI and Outreach Faith Writer Paula Farina has shared her piece with us! Read “Pride” below and look out for more participant writing coming this Fall.
Pride
I am in the town square of my hometown… Lovely and pretty typical for a small town a little park with a gazebo in the middle surrounded by little shops… I’ve been here long enough to remember when this was brand new. I never thought then I’d be preparing to speak to a crowd of my neighbors while wearing a pink dress. This year is different. This year I am at a Pride event looking back on my experience since I came out at least five years ago. I use that as a starting point because that’s when I came out to my family, but this has been a longer journey… Probably decades… No matter how I date it, I saw it as a personal move to improve my life… To reach a goal that I never thought I would achieve. The childhood dreams and prayers that evolved into adult dreams and prayers.
Years pass and I move through all these milestones. Saying to myself, I’ll try this one thing and see what happens. It was always a success… better than expected… The process of coming out… Starting with easy ones, friends you know were open minded and others you don’t care about. Practice for the people I really care about.
I’ll admit to one cynical attempt hoping to get a girlfriend to break up with me. She thought it was cool and the relationship lasted longer than I wanted. Again, it was always a personal thing.
As I moved through this process, I have learned so much. When I first came out, people looked to me as an expert, but I was learning as I went along. Every day going about living my life as a woman was a great learning experience. I realized that I was going to be visible no matter what.
As I went through everything, I embraced that visibility. I realized early on that I most likely was the first transgender person a lot of people have ever met. It put some pressure on me, but I am usually very well behaved. So, I usually do ok. For many, once they realize I am a serious and genuinely nice person, I found them opening up to me about LGBTQ+ people in their lives. It was so nice to hear their stories and to know they were comfortable enough to share with me. Some wanted to be accepting but were having difficulties coming to terms with this big change. I listened, made sure they knew I was still figuring it all out and that them accepting is the most important thing.
This leads me to the importance of acceptance. I have been fortunate to have the total acceptance of my family and almost everyone I know. With the acceptance came openness. I have had these incredible conversations with my brothers. This helped me realize that I was seeing things through an entirely different lens than them. I took so many cues on being a guy from them. It’s the oddest things, too. One time while driving around with my older brother Joe, we’re only two years apart, the classic Kinks song “Lola” came on. As the iconic line “boys will be girls and girls will be boys” came up he admitted that he never knew what this song was about when we were teens. I was amazed because I’d given that song credit for making me realize other people felt this way. Hearing that line meant so much to me.
My oldest brother, Tom, a social worker, told me about work he did decades ago with the Massachusetts prison system to get better treatment for transgender prisoners.
Wow, I thought… if I could’ve only talked to you about my feelings all those years ago… maybe I could’ve avoided all those years of fear and anxiety.
Then there’s my sister, Tricia. I once posted on Instagram a photo of myself going out with a poor makeup job. My sister gently chided me on not doing my makeup correctly. I didn’t bring my make up down to my neck. She told me what mom taught her. It was such a joyous moment for me… The openness between sisters… When she passed away, I read at her funeral and spoke at the luncheon afterward about how much she meant to me throughout her life. Neighbors told me how happy she was for me. I’ve shared just a few anecdotes of experiences that have I had. I could go on.
So here I am at a Pride event in my small town. As usual these days, I feel the need to express these feelings. I went into Philly earlier in the month and was so impressed by all the young people. They were able to freely express themselves. This little event I’m at now has a lot of high school kids. They organized it. Then I think about how these young people might be at risk and that makes speaking up so much more important. I grew up in a time when I could not express my feelings. I first spoke to my mother about my feelings when I was six, I can’t recall the actual words, just that it was wrong. I know she didn’t agree with The Kinks. I can’t forget the tone. It wasn’t good. I got caught a few times trying on clothes and I believe I was sent for counselling. I was never given a reason outside of having something to do with my speech impediment. Ironic because my speech impediment disappeared when I transitioned. I also never cooperated. Maybe my survival instincts kicked in.
So here I am now, realizing the importance of Pride. I realize now it’s not showing off, it’s showing up. Not just for yourself but for everyone… I have lived a life of compromise and did very well with that compromise. I was fulfilled doing what society said I should do. I had a wonderful wife and children to whom I was totally devoted. It could only last for so long.
Now I need to tell my story and be as visible as I must be. If my life becomes a political statement, I’m ready for it. I can’t turn back.
