Over the summer, we asked participants to pick a prompt from our Writing Prompt Challenge and write. Over the coming months, we will share several of these pieces.
Next up, is “A Final Goodbye“ by Anna King.
Prompt: Write a story about a final goodbye.
A Final Goodbye
Four decades of shallows breaths, and it never dawned on me to breathe deeper. Space, air and autonomy were never rightfully mine to hold. Giving of my time, energy, capacity and self was demanded and went without question as it began well before birth. Stripped of rights and basic functioning was never missed, it was never mine to know.
Live and let live. Breathe deep and let go. Forgive and forget… Exhale. Move on.
Every single part of your departure violated my very being, the essence that held my cells to one another, and every farewell after you reminded me of you. No one would ever be you, and I would never be the same after the last time I stared into your silver-blue eyes. The very eyes that begged me to stay, if only for a moment longer, just a split. second. longer. I left you there with that desperation, and it only cost me everything.
As I drove off, pretending not to care I stopped existing. The core of who I was, or who I was becoming; the person you accepted me as, broke and simply went away. I wonder what she would think of me today, what she would think of us today. If we are being honest, I never really knew she left, I never felt the hope leave with her. Maybe because she took the loss and the love with her as well, both of which cause such incredible pain. May of 2000, I drove away from you, and I stopped trying to connect with others. What my crystal ball did not reveal was that the girl I drove away from would be gone forever, and the girl that drove away would be changed forever as she searched and punished herself for never finding you again.
I became a methodical shell of a being as I attempted to replace you in every new relationship I found and hoped would come close to the connection we had. The internal anger turned into a raging beast as those external to myself never measured up, and I was too guilt ridden to acknowledge no equal connection could take place when I was not even a whole person. I had given that girl all of me, and left both behind, and then searched for another to be twice the person to fill the void.
I found what I thought was love in an undercover situation with a dying lover, and when it got complicated, I went to war to die for love of country. I pledged allegiance to something larger and more important than my loneliness and the reward would be honorable, but you were not there either. I allowed rules and regulations to be the buffer I needed to put miles between myself and others, so the isolation continued, and the numbness spread, and at times it was glorious.
All would be as it was supposed to be, I had paid my penance and my reward would be returned, as I had been selfless and humble. I was serving my country, following orders and had sacrificed more than my share, and all that I asked in return was an honorable death, to not return to baren lands and harden hearts, to have the silence fill my ears and finally quiet the screaming from within. The unknown nothingness did not seem like a tall request.
Twenty-two years ago, I left you in that parking lot, fifteen years ago I left that desert, also just as wounded as leaving the asphalt. Difference is, you were truly gone when whatever version of me it is that came back from the desert. No amends will ever be able to be made. No apologies or second chances or explanations or understandings. For the longest time I thought I was doing fine with it, that knowing that girl was at peace finally was good enough, but the numbness started to slip away. Feelings started to come back and the ability to side-step them has dissipated. Here I am, at times a child, desperately looking for my very best friend, the first one that ever truly seemed to hear me, accept me, and share themself with me as well. I came back, but you are still gone, and there is nothing that will change that, no matter how many times I try to replace you, or force others to be you.
I have attempted to replace you a thousand times, and each time I have only destroyed my faith in humanity by holding others to an unrealistic standard that they do not even know they are being held to. It also ensures that I am not my true self as I remember how quickly you went from right in front of me to never again, so I am prone to being whatever and whomever the other person needs in order to encourage them to stay. So again, they cannot even be close to what we had, as I go into the relationship hiding.
I have to say goodbye the right way this time. The gut wrenching, hard way. I will miss you, forever, but I will feel it. I will not run away from the searing pain in my chest, and the breath that your loss steals from my lungs. I will stop avoiding twenty-year-old songs just because they meant something to us, and when the tears flow, I will allow myself to be vulnerable with those around me and tell them who you were and what you meant to me. In honor of our friendship, I will ensure that all those that cross my path know and feel that they are safe and that I will defend their right to just be who they are. I will heal, while missing you and remembering you fondly, but I will also live more completely and loudly if needed. I will stop attempting to replace you, you are not replaceable, because you were perfect at the perfect time. I am not able to promise that the adults who interfered will still not learn of the pain and betrayal and violence they caused, but I will never betray or dishonor you.
Goodbye.
There are times that my chest still feels like it is exploding due to your absence, but I guess that means I still have a heart. I know that you are at peace. I will breathe again too.
